You ever heard this love story?
Boy meets Girl…
Boy and Girl date…
Boy and Girl fall in love…
Boy and Girl fall out of love…
Boy and Girl break up!
Pretty sure we’ve all experienced some form of this whether the L word is love, lust or straight up infatuation. But this story doesn’t result in marriage. A lot of us are so caught up in dating the “world’s way” that we fail to ask God what’s His way for dating. I’ve been single for 3 years now and one year into my singleness God started revealing my husband to me. God would drop a word in my spirit to reveal my husband’s character, then He’d show me a vision of my husband and I doing ministry together, finally He showed me His face in a dream. You could read more about this in my blog: Last Night I Met My Husband In a Dream. On the other hand, I know some people that God has revealed their spouse to them in real life, but God didn’t give the same heads up to their spouse. So the question becomes what do you when you know marriage is on the horizon, but your Adam is fast asleep?
While Adam was sleeping refers to the development season of a man’s life. During this time God is stabling him, healing him, giving him work ethics, and revealing his purpose. He’s not dating/not ready for marriage, which means he’s still asleep like Adam in the Garden when God was performing major surgery on him. During this time it’s crucial to know your role. We’re going to look at 5 stories and glean from these powerful women in order to better understand your role as a single.
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[g] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib[h] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
I really like this text because it’s not often we look at the very first marriage as guidance for our relationships. After all they barely dated and pretty much got married the day they met. This is the original Love at First Sight. However, if we allow the Holy Spirit to teach us there are 4 things we can glean from this text.
- Before God presented Eve, He closed up Adam’s wound – this represents the man’s healing. A lot of us have experienced trauma, pain, and heartbreak and before we get married it is God’s desire to heal us through and through. Some of us are still holding onto pain from our childhood. God wants to heal our physical, spiritual, emotional, and soul wounds. Some of us are dating with open wounds and bleeding all over the person we’re called to love. This causes lots of fighting, insecurities, and lack of trust that will lead to a division in the relationship. But when we allow God to heal us BEFORE we start dating the odds of a healthy relationship is much higher. In short, let God heal your man!
- God formed Eve while Adam was still asleep – This is God forming you [the woman]. He is showing you YOUR worth, YOUR power, YOUR authority, and who He created YOU to be – which is a partner equally ruling with your spouse. Some of us are seeking relationships but don’t know who we are. We’re still seeking identity in every guy we meet. But if we are still enough to let just one guy [Jesus] show us – we can eliminate jumping from one relationship to the next.
- God brought Eve to Adam when He was fully awake and could recognize her. God was very intentional about this. God didn’t allow Eve to wake Adam from his deep sleep, nor was Adam awakened too early. Nope! It was God’s perfect timing so that when Adam laid his eyes on Eve he knew right away she was his wife. There was no second-guessing or questioning if she was the one or not. Here’s a tip, very often a man knows right away when he wants to marry someone. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is unsure they want to get married, unsure that you’re the one, don’t try to change his mind. He is telling the truth. It’s best to walk away and collect what’s left of your heart and present it to God for healing.
- Adam named her and claimed her – Because Adam was fully awake and able to recognize his wife he gave her a title and he claimed her as his. Some people say that titles do not matter, but I will tell you right now that titles DO MATTER. A title gives you authority and let’s you know the role you play. Think of it like working at a job. When you first start working they give you a job description. Your title holds a certain weight, lets you know your jurisdiction, and pay grade. If you’re a manager, a director or a VP your title comes with a certain level of responsibility. A janitor couldn’t delegate work to the CEO of a company because his/her job description reflects that he/she was hired to report to the CEO. Without titles there is confusion and disorder and we already know that we serve a God who loves decency and order 1 Cor 14:40. So when you’re single that’s one job description, when you’re dating that’s another job description, as a girlfriend that’s another job description, and wife is another job description. Let’s stop selling ourselves short and trying to convince ourselves that titles don’t matter. You DESERVE a title baby!
Boaz replied, “I’ve been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband—how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. 12 May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.”
13 “May I continue to find favor in your eyes, my lord,” she said. “You have put me at ease by speaking kindly to your servant—though I do not have the standing of one of your servants.”
14 At mealtime Boaz said to her, “Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar.”
When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. 15 As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, “Let her gather among the sheaves and don’t reprimand her. 16 Even pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don’t rebuke her.”
17 So Ruth gleaned in the field until evening. Then she threshed the barley she had gathered, and it amounted to about an ephah.[a] 18 She carried it back to town, and her mother-in-law saw how much she had gathered. Ruth also brought out and gave her what she had left over after she had eaten enough.
So Ruth stayed close to the women of Boaz to glean until the barley and wheat harvests were finished. And she lived with her mother-in-law.
Ruth 2:11-17, 23
Ruth’s story is very popular. We often quote how Ruth laid at Boaz’s feet because Naomi – “her wing woman” – told her to. But we never focus on the parts that led up to Ruth lying at Boaz’s feet. I only quoted scriptures from chapter 2, but below I outline Ruth’s role as a single from chapters 1,2, and 3.
- Ruth Followed God despite the possibility of never marrying again. When Ruth’s husband died, her mother in law Naomi told her to head back home because Naomi couldn’t help her find another man. But Ruth was persistent and pled to follow Naomi anyway – Ruth 1:16-18. Her crazy faith probably made God smile, so He blessed her with a man such as Boaz. She obeyed and allowed God to lead her. How many of us do that even when we don’t see what God is doing in our life? I know I do, and it is not easy. Last year, God told me to pack my boxes because He was getting ready to move me. So I packed in faith with no money in the bank, no job on the line and I waited. One year later and I am still waiting. Believe me I have gone through my emotions. I often wondered if I actually heard God. But faith is believing in God even when we don’t see what’s on the other side. And that’s what Ruth did and thank God she did because Jesus came through her bloodline.
- Ruth worked in the field until Harvest season was over and she only worked in Boaz’s field. I really love this part of Ruth’s story. This is where we want to focus our attention. Harvest season lasted for about a year. So for one full year, Ruth was out working. She was not dating anyone. She was doing what she was told to do faithfully. Some of us single women have work to do. Your work could be ministry, building a business, watching children, tending to others, or even working a 9-5. For me, I’m building a ministry. God has released me to teach a Master Class on how to hear His voice, teach a weekly bible study, and build a media brand. Don’t ignore the task that God has given you. He is testing you to see if you’re obedient, responsible, and accountable. Nonetheless, Ruth wasn’t sliding into other men’s field trying to get their attention. She only worked for Boaz. In the field, Boaz and Ruth also got to know one another in a group setting. They weren’t going on personal dates. No, they watched how each other interacted with the other people in the field in order to learn each other’s character. The field God has called you to work in is designed to reveal your character. Don’t run from it, but rise to the occasion and impress your Father, so that He can see that you are ready for more responsibility.
- Ruth took care of her household/ her mother in law. Ruth brought food back to Naomi after working in the field. She also took care of her humble home until God upgraded her. She was a nurturer, cared for her family, and honored her mother in law. It’s important to note that while Ruth was doing these things, people were reporting back to Boaz. We know this because in vs 11, Boaz says, “I’ve been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband.” Your husband could be watching you now so it’s important to allow God to work on any character flaws so that you will be ready for marriage.
- After her preparation (in the field), she beautified herself and presented herself to Boaz by lying at his feet. This part we quote often as a way to tell women to make the first move. But in all actuality lying at “his” feet was Ruth going to Boaz in total humility and submission as was the custom for servants back then. She waited for the instruction of Boaz – Ruth 3:7-10. She didn’t badger him, she wasn’t desperate, and she was patient. Some women are chasing their man. I’d advise you to stop. The bible says, He who finds a wife finds a good thing – Proverbs 18:22. It doesn’t say she who finds a man. It’s okay to make your presence known, and it’s okay to let a guy know that you’re interested by being inviting – waiving, engaging in convo and having an open spirit and then waiting for the man to make the move. Before Ruth made her request known she waited for Boaz to give instructions. Some of us are so quick to bag a man “because it’s modern day dating” that we don’t recognize we’re out of order. Trust me, men love to do the chasing. So sit back and wait to be chased/found.
So it was, when the king’s command and decree were heard, and when many young women were gathered at [h]Shushan the [i]citadel, under the custody of Hegai, that Esther also was taken to the king’s palace, into the care of Hegai the custodian of the women. 9 Now the young woman pleased him, and she obtained his favor; so he readily gave beauty preparations to her, besides [j]her allowance. Then seven choice maidservants were provided for her from the king’s palace, and he moved her and her maidservants to the best place in the house of the women.
Each young woman’s turn came to go in to King Ahasuerus after she had completed twelve months’ preparation, according to the regulations for the women, for thus were the days of their preparation apportioned: six months with oil of myrrh, and six months with perfumes and preparations for beautifying women.
I remember reading Esther three times in the span of a couple of months last year. God really wanted me to understand this story. There are many things we can glean from Esther, but here are the five I want us to focus on.
- Esther was moved into the Palace – For some of you your spouse is not where you reside and God will move/ bring you to him. Don’t take things into your own hands and up and move. Let God move you.
- Esther had 12 months of beauty prep – Some of you are hidden and God needs to work on you, heal you, and beautify you. Don’t rush the process.
- God revealed Esther to the King after her preparation – Some of you are dating when it’s not your season to date. It is your season for healing. It’s best to let God finish doing a work in you so that you will be prepared to be a wife. Some people end up dating for 10+ years, not leading to marriage, because they skipped the healing process. If the goal is marriage then it’s best to do it God’s way.
- Esther obtained favor wherever she went – You don’t need to flaunt your stuff, be boastful, or an overachiever, let God do the talking for you. He will place the right people in your path to help elevate you when the time is right.
- When going to see the King, Esther took the advice of the King’s Eunuch and only requested what he told her to – You don’t need gimmicks, or deceit or extravagant gestures to catch your spouse’s attention. God will make you stand out.
One day Elisha went to Shunem. And a well-to-do woman was there, who urged him to stay for a meal. So whenever he came by, he stopped there to eat. 9 She said to her husband, “I know that this man who often comes our way is a holy man of God. 10 Let’s make a small room on the roof and put in it a bed and a table, a chair and a lamp for him. Then he can stay there whenever he comes to us.”
2 Kings 4:8
This one’s for the Alpha woman. You got your ish together. You got a high paying job, you drive a fancy car, bought your home, you a true Boss Chick! The Shunem woman in the above text was just like you and she got married too. So I want to tell you right now just in case you never heard this,
So don’t settle for a mediocre man who can barely pull his weight and makes you feel insecure about your success. God will send you a humbled man who will cheer you on.
- The Shunammite Woman was wealthy and her husband was not, yet she still sought his advice on what to do with “their” money. When the woman wanted to build an extension to the house she asked her husband for his input. Why? Because she was humble and recognized she was in a partnership. Some of us women have the “Strong Black Woman I Don’t Need a Man” attitude and that’s okay. But it’s very important to note that a man wants to feel needed. He wants to feel like he can contribute to your life. It’s how he was created. It’s part of his design. If you take away his ability to provide, protect, and please you he will go searching elsewhere until his needs are met. So of course you don’t dumb yourself down to get the man’s attention but you humble yourself and make sure you let him know that this is a partnership. His voice is welcomed and he matters too.
- She was married and she still did God’s work. Do I need to even explain this? Our marriage is a ministry. God didn’t bless us with a spouse for us to then become lazy and never serve again. Absolutely not! We still have work to do. Nonetheless, the Shunnamite Woman was also proactive about her Father’s work.
- Her husband let her shine. She did not dim her light to maintain the relationship. In fact, once she included her husband in the plans, her husband let her make the decision. Again because this is a partnership and both parties have equal respect for another.
At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, 40 where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. 41 When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. 42 In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! 43 But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? 44 As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
Mary’s story is dope because she represents the woman who has been touched by God. This is the woman that God works through in a mighty way, she’s on fire for Him, and He trusts her with His miracle BEFORE she gets married. This woman is also an Alpha female who has her own ministry, probably the pastor of a church, or the CEO.
- God impregnated Mary – For some of you God has impregnated you with something fierce and He has trusted you to carry it. It could be a business, ministry, a book, a script, a movie, a performance, a community etc. At this time you’re not dating, but you’re focused on giving birth. Don’t abort what God has given you because you think you will not get a man. God is faithful and He will bring your spouse to you. Someone that God also trusts to raise a baby that does not belong to him!
- Mary went to someone else who was pregnant with a miracle – You need a community! You need to be around other women who understand what you’re going through because they have or are going through it too. They will encourage you during your singleness to remind you that God has not forgotten you. You have a miracle growing inside you.
- Mary was Pregnant BEFORE she got married – For some of you, God has already released you into ministry, into that multimillion-dollar business, you’re an Alpha! As stated, Alpha women get love too. The man who comes into your life will see the calling on your life and only help to make you greater. He will compliment you and you both will work on raising this ministry together including growing and expanding it.
Your Role as a Single
- Let God work on you and form you like Eve, prepare you like Ruth, and beautify you like Esther.
- Be about your Father’s Business like Ruth in Boaz’s field and the Shunnamite woman who built the extension of her home for God’s prophet.
- Let God lead you and let you know when the time is right to date, meet your spouse, and more. In the mean time be friends with the opposite sex get to know them in a group setting like Ruth and Boaz in the field. Set boundaries so that you do not fall into temptation.
- If God does reveal your spouse early, but they don’t recognize you:
– Don’t wake them too soon – God’s is still working on them or you
– Qualify the season you’re in as well as the guy’s season. That person is an Adam, but he may not be your Adam or he may not be your Adam right now.
As I conclude this blog I’d like to share with you the Five Stages of Dating when you’re doing it God’s way. This is a tool He gave me to help me understand the season I’m in. It’s called The Real Deal Waiting Process:
- Reveal – God will show you your identity
- Heal – God will heal you from past hurts and trauma
- Anneal – This is a process used to toughen glass or steel by gradually heating and cooling it. You will go through some trials because God is preparing you to be a wife
- Deal – The wait is long, but God is building your faith
- Make it Real – God will bring your spouse to you
I hope you found this helpful. If you enjoyed this blog feel free to check out my other blogs Here.
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