I was sitting in a prayer class at my church listening as the teacher spoke about Apostle Paul – the one who wrote most of the New Testament in the Bible. At this point in my walk I was stagnant and very disappointed in the church. Not particularly in my church, but the church in general. I felt like no matter where I went I knew more than the teachers and ministers. I grew very bored with their watered down messages. It seemed like we were always learning about the same things: David and Goliath, Daniel in the Lions Den, Joseph from the Pit to the Palace (if only you could see me rolling my eyes). There’s nothing wrong with these stories, but how many times are we going to analyze that David killed Goliath with one stone? There’s more to the bible than that and I desired to go deeper. I wanted to learn about spiritual warfare, angelology, demonology, reading the bible in Greek or Hebrew (yep this really fascinates me). I wanted to speak about sex, Spiritual abuse, church hurt, and all the things we don’t talk about in church, but it seemed as if they’re not equipped. Each time I inquired about these topics I was told to go to seminary.
Then the teacher said something so profound. She said, “Jesus, Himself, taught Paul for three years before Paul began his ministry…” I was shocked. I didn’t even think that was possible. But then again, anything is possible with God.
Galatians 1:11-12 reads,
I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that the gospel I preached is not of human origin. 12 I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it; rather, I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.
In that moment God spoke to me, “I’m going to train you.” I wasn’t sure what that entailed, but as soon as I said yes to God my training began. He opened my eyes to the spirit world and it was no joke. Yes it’s real! So is satan and so is Hell! I remember one morning lying on the floor crying because I thought I was losing my mind. I was seeing things “normal people” couldn’t see. That was 2019. At the close of that year I thought my training ended. However, in 2020, God enrolled me in an accelerated course that took place in the Wilderness.
The Wilderness is a season where it’s just you and God. He is your source. He provides your shelter, food, clothes, direction, encouragement etc. He is a cloud by day and a fire by night (Ex 13:21-22). Nothing grows in the wilderness. There are barely any opportunities, the warfare is intense, and it seems like you will never reach your destination. This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this season and it most likely won’t be the last. The most important thing to note is that everyone that God calls to lead MUST go through a wilderness season. Usually it’s right before He releases you into ministry. For some people it happens during their release into ministry. It’s best to go through this season before the spotlight hits you because there is nothing pretty about it. I cried almost every day.
The wilderness season is designed specifically for you to build your character, increase your faith, and heal you. The children of Israel was in the wilderness – Exodus 15, Joseph was in jail – Genesis 39:19, King David was on the run from Saul – 1 Samuel 21, and Jesus was led to the wilderness by the Spirit – Matthew 4. In the wilderness there are two temperatures. In the day it’s scorching hot and at night its freezing cold. The type of wilderness you experience is contingent upon the work God is doing in you. When it’s scorching hot, you have to pack light and dress light. Having too much on your body will kill you. This means that there are things that God wants you to shed. It could be pride, covetousness, jealousy, anger, unforgiveness, offense or more. These things are holding you back from reaching the Promise Land. When it’s freezing cold, you have to cover up. Having too little on will freeze you. This means there are things that God wants you to put on. It could be healing, faith, trust, power, or honor not having these things are preventing you from reaching the Promise Land.
My wilderness was freezing cold. There were things God wanted to heal me from that I had no idea were there. I needed to heal from sexual trauma, rejection, and disappointment. God took His time, while I preferred to rush the process. It seemed like everyone else around me was getting blessed, while I was in surgery.
February 2020, I had a very disturbing dream that revealed my true feelings towards sex. Secretly I was running from it and was not looking forward to it in my marriage. I know it’s strange, but my history with it led to a fear of it. I talk about this more in my video: Sex Was Haunting Me. The realization was buried so deep within me. I had no idea it was there, but God knew and He knew I couldn’t keep on like that especially because the enemy would’ve used it to destroy my marriage. The healing process took a couple of months. First God uprooted the lies I believed about sex. Then He replaced the lies with His truth. Lastly He released me to talk about it. Speaking about it is what freed me from the torment. I was bound because I felt foolish for even having the fear. I cried each time I spoke about it privately until one day the chains were loosed because I went public with it. The enemy no longer Blackmailed me. I gained my freedom and power.
August 2020, I received a prophecy that spiraled me into days of disappointment. I moped around the house crying because I felt like God had failed me. I desired very strongly to move out of my mother’s house, but the prophecy revealed that it was not happening any time soon. While I cried, God asked me, “Can I heal you from disappointment?” I was annoyed that He even asked, but days later when I finally said yes God showed me that the root of my disappointment was rejection. All my life I’ve felt overlooked and undervalued in my jobs, at my church, sometimes in my friendship circles. I grew up in Edenwald projects in the Bronx living in an environment where Black bodies are devalued. The rejection and disappointment made me feel unworthy of God’s very best for my life. So I settled. God wanted me to believe Him for more, but it was hard when all I ever saw was poverty and broken homes. He wanted to tear down my altar of unbelief and resurrect His altar of faith. I didn’t know how to let go and the Holy Spirit said to me, “Don’t worry about it. Let me do it.” And He did. In the center of my soul was the word REJECTION. He set me free from it and replaced it with the word CHOSEN. I go into the details of my personal deliverance Here.
My wilderness season didn’t end with my healing. In the midst of it God taught me how to speak in tongues. This is a spiritual gift that I didn’t think existed because of false doctrine being taught in my childhood church. Although I’m filled with the Holy Spirit, I rejected the gift of tongues in my heart. In order for me to receive it, I had to desire it and ask God for it. One day during worship I strongly desired to express my adoration to God, but there were not enough words in the English Dictionary. I got on my knees and asked God for a new language. He told me, “I’ll walk you through it.” Thus began one full week of training.
Each time I met God He took me to a Canyon with red dirt all around (these were visions). No one was there but a cloud and me. God said, “Speak.” And I did. I started by saying “I love you Jesus” over and over again until it felt like my tongue was tied and a new language fell out of my mouth. I was amazed and scared at the same time. What if I was speaking a demonic language? I didn’t even know what I was saying. The next day, we began again and I felt God’s hand on my back as He coached me to, “Let go.” I spoke, but I stopped. I couldn’t do it because it was hard to trust that it was God leading me. I was so scared that satan had intercepted my prayers and was deceiving me. Plus my gift of tongue didn’t sound like anyone else’s. Mine sounded like it was from a country in Asia. However, I no longer wanted to be bound and I wanted to trust God with all my heart, soul and mind. So I let go and spoke… Fluently.
The Holy Spirit asked me, “What are you saying?”
I responded, “I don’t know and I don’t care as long as you’re leading me.”
He responded, “Exactly.”
From that moment the power of my tongue was released. God took me deeper than I’d ever gone before. He showed me visions of nations that I was praying for, visions of people I was interceding for; He showed me the sound of the Prophet’s cry, and I even sang in tongues. It was glorious.
After all the training and healing, God tested me. The test was 2 months long and I had to demonstrate everything I learned. I was still in the wilderness, but here the temperature was turned up by like 100 degrees. The enemy tempted me, lied to me, and tried to deceive me into giving up a blessing that God gave me. He infiltrated my friendship and divided a ministry that I was leading. I had to stand firm on God’s promises and remain steadfast when it seemed like nothing was working in my favor. The test ended in November and I passed! Then on December 31, 2020 I graduated! I didn’t know that my training would conclude with a graduation.
While I was going through my test, God was making a way in the wilderness (Is 43:19). Clubhouse – a new social app that allows you to host discussions with users worldwide – began sweeping the nation. It’s like a modern day chat room. On the app there are multiple groups. The number 1 Christian Group on the app is the But God Community and God made a way for me to be a lead moderator. I host a developmental workshop every Thursday evening. The topics are handpicked by me and approved by God. On the last day of the year I chose to cover The Power of Salvation: Walk in Your Authority. Leading up to the discussion God kept giving me visions of doing an altar call. I thought maybe I was doing too much, but I really had a strong desire to do it. At the close of the session I did it. Someone raised their hand. I was so emotional. So nervous. I had never done this before, but I felt the Holy Spirit right next to me giving me the words to say. Just like He did when He taught me how to speak in tongues. Just like He did when He delivered me from rejection and healed me from disappointment. Just like He did when He healed me from sexual trauma. As I spoke tears welled up in my eyes and throat.
As we welcomed home the new soul God said to me, “Well done good and faithful servant. Your training is over.”
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Have you gone through a Wilderness season? What was it like? Leave a comment below.